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Post by hoofie on Feb 8, 2017 11:19:30 GMT -7
Ladies – Some Fact About Men
Husbands are like children — they’re fine if they’re someone else’s.
Never trust a man who says he’s the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
A woman’s work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
Go for younger men. You might as well — they never mature anyway.
Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men — a woman.
Men are like place mats. They only show up when there’s food on the table.
Men are like mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like parking spots. All the good ones are taken.
Men are like lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest.
Men are like wall to wall carpeting. If it gets laid right the first time, you can walk all over it for years.
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Post by badman on Feb 9, 2017 16:49:30 GMT -7
A lady goes for a job interview. The interviewer, Bob, decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age?"
The lady begins to count carefully on her fingers before proudly replying "Ehhhh..22!"
A little puzzled, Bob tries another simple one. "And can you tell us your height, please?"
The lady then stands up and produces a tape measure. She stands on the end and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!"
This isn't looking good so Bob goes for the real basics. "And just to confirm for our records, your name please?"
Now the lady starts bobbing her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Mandy!"
By now, Bob is completely baffled, so he asks, "Just out of curiosity, miss. I can understand your counting out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious. but what were you doing when I asked you your name?"
"Ohh that!" she proudly replies, "That's just me running through, 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you.."Happy birthday dear...."
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Post by hoofie on Feb 10, 2017 16:10:43 GMT -7
A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whisky. When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy asks, "Where is everybody?" The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging." "Hanging? Who are they hanging?" "Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied. "What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked. "Well," says the bartender. "He wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes." "How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?" "Rustling," said the bartender.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 11, 2017 8:45:59 GMT -7
A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed,he ordered his driver to stop get out too investigate. He asked one man,"Why are you eating grass?" We don't have any money for food "the poor man replied."We have to eat grass."
"Well then ,you can come with me to my house and I'LL feed you ."the lawyer said.
But sir,I have a wife and two kids with me. They are over there,under the tree."
"Bring them along."the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated."You come with us also."The second man in a pitiful voice then said. But sir, I also have a wife and SIX kids with me! Bring them all,as well,"the lawyer said.
They all entered the Limousine,which was no easy task, even for a Limousine. Once underway,one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said."Sir you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you. "The lawyer relied,"Glad to do it.
You'll really love my place;the grass is almost a foot high!"
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Post by hoofie on Feb 12, 2017 11:30:03 GMT -7
A guy enters a bank to see about getting a business loan. "What kind of business do you want to start?" asks the bank manager. "I have some black powder. You sprinkle it on a women's vagina and it makes it taste like a peach." "I don't think we can give you a loan." he replied. So the guy left. A few months later he went into the bank with a wheel barrel filled with money. The same bank manager said, "Congratulations, I guess that idea for black powder really paid off." "Nah, that didn't go anywhere. I made my money with this white powder." "Really," replied the bank manager. "What does it do?" "Give me a peach and I'll show you."
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Post by Deleted on Feb 14, 2017 8:39:00 GMT -7
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Post by hoofie on Feb 15, 2017 11:10:14 GMT -7
An ant walks into a bar with his good friend Mister No, who is not an ant. The bartender says, "I'm sorry. We only serve ants here." The ant says, "But this is my good friend Mister No." The bartender says, "Sorry, but I don't take No for an ant, sir."
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Post by badman on Feb 19, 2017 8:32:03 GMT -7
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Post by badman on Feb 19, 2017 8:59:01 GMT -7
trying to paste image of Nash ad "Fisherman lands a big job" on this page. Can't seem to figure out how. Here it is
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Post by hoofie on Feb 19, 2017 12:12:51 GMT -7
Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe, and one to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
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Post by hoofie on Feb 20, 2017 14:24:03 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2017 8:08:48 GMT -7
A man was driving home late one afternoon,and he was driving above the speed limit.He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rearview mirror.He thinks "I can out run this guy,"so he floors it and the race is on.The cars are racing down the highway--60,70,80,90, miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100,the guy figures"What the heck,"and gives up.He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says."Listen mister,I've had a lousy day,and I just want to go home.Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go." The man thought for a moment and said,,,, Three weeks ago ,my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought that you were the officer and that you were trying to give her back to me!!!!!
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Post by hoofie on Feb 25, 2017 11:43:18 GMT -7
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Post by hoofie on Feb 25, 2017 15:14:20 GMT -7
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Post by hoofie on Feb 26, 2017 12:31:50 GMT -7
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