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Post by hoofie on Jan 14, 2017 14:52:54 GMT -7
Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that small inner voice trying to reassure him, "Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last." But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, "Howard. You're a veterinarian."
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Post by hoofie on Jan 17, 2017 8:30:56 GMT -7
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Post by hoofie on Jan 17, 2017 10:59:37 GMT -7
The following headlines were actually printed in newspapers. The ironyin some of these are absolutely astonishing, hilariously funny (thoughsometimes awkward). Check them out: - Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One - Miners Refuse to Work after Death - Include Your Children when Baking Cookies - Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide - Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead - Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says - Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers - Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted - Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case - Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents - Iraqi Head Seeks Arms - Prostitutes Appeal to Pope - Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over - British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands - Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms - Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe - Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told - Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant - War Dims Hope for Peace - Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures - Deer Kill 17,000 - Stolen Painting Found by Tree - Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy - Arson Suspect Held in Massachusetts Fire - Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood - Local High School Drop-outs Cut in Half - New Vaccine May Contain Rabies - Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors - Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Counter - Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years - Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges - Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge - New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group - Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft - Kids Make Nutritious Snacks - Eye Drops Off Shelf - Teachers Strike Idle Kids - Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead - Princess Diana Was Alive Hours Before She Died
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Post by hoofie on Jan 18, 2017 9:36:26 GMT -7
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Post by hoofie on Jan 23, 2017 5:56:58 GMT -7
In my mature years, I’m finally beginning to understand the Bible!For those who haven’t heard, the State of Washington just passed two laws: * Same-sex Marriage * Legalized Marijuana The fact that same-sex marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned." I just hadn’t interpreted it correctly before.
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Post by hoofie on Jan 25, 2017 6:25:05 GMT -7
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Post by hoofie on Jan 26, 2017 16:28:52 GMT -7
A lawyer and two friends, a rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer. The farmer said, "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn." "No problem," chimed the rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening." With that, he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later, a knock was heard at the door, and the farmer opened it. There stood the rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. He replied, "I'm grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal." His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes later, the same scene recurred. There was a knock on the door. "What's wrong now?" the farmer asked. The Hindu holy man replied, "I too am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn, and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!" Well, that left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but he went out to the barn. Moments later, there was another knock on the farmer's door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood ... the pig and the cow.
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Post by hoofie on Jan 27, 2017 6:03:36 GMT -7
The other day, my wife and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error. To her credit, she finally said, 'Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right.' 'Fine.' I said. She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, 'I'm wrong.' I grinned and replied, 'You're right.'
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Post by hoofie on Jan 31, 2017 11:37:06 GMT -7
These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
Q.. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it..
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? A.. Rose Marie: No wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency..
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty..
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'? A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A.. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at n*dist camps. One is politics, what is the other? A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected..
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A.. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q.According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
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Post by hoofie on Feb 2, 2017 9:27:01 GMT -7
There was a teacher who was shouting at his class because they were being lazy. "I wouldn't be surprised if 50% of you failed this math class," he said.
One of the kids raises his hand, "But teacher, there aren't that many in this class," he said.
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Post by hoofie on Feb 4, 2017 11:26:17 GMT -7
These two guys had just gotten divorced from their wives and swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.
They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year". The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
The guys asked "What's that board for?" The trader said "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this". They said "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader said "Well take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year. "Okay" they said and left.
The next year this guy came into the trader's store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year". The trader said "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?" "Yeah" said the guy. "Where is he?" asked the trader. "I killed him" said the guy. Shocked, the trader asks "Why?" To which the guy replies "I caught him in bed with my board!"
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Post by Deleted on Feb 5, 2017 12:37:52 GMT -7
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Post by hoofie on Feb 6, 2017 11:57:39 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Feb 7, 2017 10:51:50 GMT -7
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Post by Deleted on Feb 7, 2017 11:01:41 GMT -7
t.qkme.me/3otc5i.jpgWinston where ever you at hope you see this one! You made me laugh many times by this quote!!! LOL Let us hear from you???
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